My Favorite Forgiveness Process derives from combining ideas from two of my most important mentors in regard to forgiveness, Sondra Ray and the late Morrnah Simeona. In the mid-'80s, I did extensive work with Sondra Ray, who is a longtime rebirther, teacher, author, and founder of the Loving Relationships Training. Sondra, in turn, introduced me to Morrnah Simeona, a Hawaiian kahuna, which means "keeper of the planet." Morrnah taught a forgiveness process called "Ho'oponopono," which is designed to cut and clear karmic ties. Together with her colleague, Dr. Stanley Haleakala Hew-Lin, Morrnah traveled all over the world, teaching Ho'oponopono to thousands of individuals and organizations, including the United Nations.
Although it's not right for me to teach the Ho'oponopono prayer, I would like to share a principle of healing which I learned from doing this prayer every day for many years. I call this principle the intention of two-way healing. That is, when I do Ho'oponopono, I affirm (in very specific ways, according to the prayer) that forgiveness is happening in both directions. For example, if I'm doing it in relation to my mother, I say it all the way through once in terms of me forgiving my mother, and then a second time in terms of her forgiving me. Obviously, this is a gross oversimplification of a long and eloquent prayer. Still, my hope here is to convey the importance of affirming my intention for healing to happen both ways.
Some people might object to my stating that my mother forgives me. After all, isn't she the only one who can do that? The truth is, I don't know the answer to that question, but I believe that something mystical happens when even one person in a relationship shows intention for healing to happen in both directions. I won't go into any lengthy metaphysical explanations for this belief. Instead, I'll simply encourage you to experiment with this idea in your own life.
In addition to this principle of two-way healing intention, which I learned from Morrnah, I learned another powerful forgiveness tool from Sondra Ray. Sondra said that there's a line in the Bible which says — roughly paraphrased — that if you really want to forgive, you must do it not just seven times but seventy times seven. Sondra said she thought about that, and decided to incorporate the seventy times seven idea into her use of affirmations. Although I don't personally use affirmations much anymore, this is one way of using them which I still find helpful.
For Sondra's seventy times seven process, she suggested writing the following sentence seventy times a day for seven days in a row. You fill in the first blank with your name, and the second blank with the name of the person, place, or thing you'd like to forgive: I,___________, forgive_____________for everything.
If you prefer, you can substitute a description of some incident which bothered you, instead of using the word "everything" at the end of the sentence. However, if you're going to write something seventy times a day for seven days, you may as well cover all the bases.
Putting Sondra's seventy times seven affirmations together with Morrnah's concept of two-way forgiveness brought me to this, the sentence I presently use for My Favorite Forgiveness Process: I forgive___________and___________forgives me.
You can add your name in at the beginning, as Sondra recommends, or do the abbreviated version, as shown above. I use the shorter version for simplicity's sake, so I can fit the sentence on one line. You can save the pages until the end of the week and then recycle or burn them, or you can recycle or burn the pages each day. If you do burn your writing, please take every safety precaution possible. Either way, don't save your pages of forgiveness work. The point is to let go!
It's essential that this forgiveness process be done for seven days in a row, without skipping a day. If you skip a day, the deal is that you must start over. This isn't meant to be punitive. Rather, the whole idea of doing something seventy times a day for seven days is to keep your focus clear and your follow-through strong. If you space out — and we all do sometimes — don't beat yourself up about it. Just start again. The times I've forgotten a day and needed to begin again, I figured it was important that I spend more time on the particular person or thing I was forgiving. Forgiveness isn't a race, after all.
Another important tip about doing this process is to remember that the affirmations must be written by hand. No typewriters, computers, or dictaphones! Something very different happens when you write by hand, as opposed to working on a machine. I'm not enough of a scientist to explain it, but I know from experience that it's true. Besides, writing by hand takes more time, so you'll have a bigger space for thoughts and feelings to arise. If you want to heal, you have to feel. And feelings take time. Sure, there are shortcuts. There are also lobotomies! I don't recommend either one. It's worth it to do the work and go the distance.
By the way, you don't have to feel forgiving of your chosen subject in order to affirm your intention that forgiveness happen. It's okay to simply notice where you feel unfinished business in any of your relationships, and show your intention for healing. Obviously, it will still be necessary for you to work with your feelings and behavior in regard to the people or issues involved.
Writing a bunch of sentences is not a substitute for the deep-level emotional work which must take place in order to allow forgiveness to become embedded in your cells. As a colleague of mine once said, "Forgiveness is the natural result of feeling all your feelings." Hopefully, as you work with My Favorite Forgiveness Process, your unfinished feelings will be stimulated by your focused intention. If you're anything like me, it will more likely be a matter of having all your feelings in your face. So much the better. Nothing like a little intensity to strengthen your resolve!
When you're doing a seventy times seven week, pay attention to the rest of your life. Do you notice any synchronicities happening which might be related to your work? Do you feel any different? Do you act differently? Do you feel out of sorts, more peaceful, or both at different times? What kind of feelings are coming up for you? Anger? Grief? Fear? Joy? Do you feel more accepting — or conversely, less tolerant? Both can be signs that it's working.
Do you notice anything unusual occurring in your dreams? Do you feel more tired than usual, or more energized? Again, both can be signs that it's working. Are you experiencing any difference in your attitude toward the person or thing you're forgiving? It's fine if you don't notice anything related to any of these questions. Assume that you're planting seeds by doing the work, and let it go at that. Maybe later, you'll discover the fruits of your labors when you're least expecting it
Sondra said that whenever she did her forgiveness process, she would get more flowers than at any other time. This intrigued me (I like flowers), so I decided to test it, without telling anyone in advance about my experiment. The same thing happened for me. It happened again and again, whenever I did a week of seventy times seven. Amazing! One time I was on a roll, and I decided to do My Favorite Forgiveness Process for as long as I wanted, choosing a different subject each week. I didn't stop for seventeen weeks! I started with "everyone" and ended with "everything." In between, I worked with forgiving my body, womanhood, food, family, men, God (that was scary!), Cat, pain, sex, money, and a number of other things. It was very liberating.
And you wouldn't believe how many flowers I got!
My partner, John, has brought me flowers nearly every week since we got together in 1987, so it wasn't really fair to count his gifts, though I'm constantly touched by his generosity. During the four-plus months I did the process, however, all kinds of other people brought me bouquets. Clients brought flowers "for no reason." Friends showed up with flowers. People I'd just met left flowers on my porch. It was quite impressive. The only week I didn't get any flowers was the week I was forgiving Cat. When it was over, I realized I was supposed to give myself flowers. So I went out right away and bought myself a stem of one my favorites, Stargazer lillies.
During that particular marathon with My Favorite Forgiveness Process, I figure I wrote the word "forgive" 16,660 times — twice in each sentence, seventy times a day (2 x 70 = 140), for seven days in a row (140 x 7 = 980), for seventeen weeks (980 x 17 = 16,660). That's a lot of focus on forgiveness! Needless to say, it was also a very rich time, psychologically and soulfully. There were plenty of butt-kicking lessons to show me where I was stuck, and equally plentiful gifts of healing and grace.
I don't believe it's fair — or even accurate — to say that anyone must forgive in order to heal.
How can anyone judge another person's path of healing? For all I know, maybe someone needs to learn how to hold a grudge for an entire lifetime. Who can say? Still, I acknowledge the power of forgiveness in my own life.
For me, forgiveness is not necessarily about forgiving an act, it's about forgiving another human being. For me, forgiveness brings a softening, a yielding to a larger perspective, an accepting of my commonality with everyone and everything that exists. Forgiveness deepens my humility.
Ultimately, I believe that I am simply one cell in the body of humanity. This means that at some level I am capable of — and perhaps even liable for — every possible human act, no matter how devious or dark. This also means that when I forgive others, I forgive myself, and vice versa. Taking responsibility for my shadow may be difficult, but it's a necessary step toward forgiveness.
Whatever your perspective on this loaded subject, I hope My Favorite Forgiveness Process can help you explore yourself in a way that brings you more wholeness. If so, your work will benefit not only you, but everyone.
And by the way, enjoy your flowers!
Cat Saunders, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist in private practice and the author of Dr. Cat's Helping Handbook, available at bookstores or <http://www.drcat.org/>.
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