The Gift of Poison: A Story from Traditional Sources

The Gift of Poison

A man and a woman in a small out-of-the way village marry and as was the custom of their people, they moved into his parents home. From the start the young bride and her mother-in-law clashed regularly...about everything. The mother-in-law thought the bride an disrespectful know-it-all who disdained the traditions of their elders, and the bride thought the mother-in-law was a cantankerous old hag who was trying to turn her son against her.

Finally fed up with the conflict in their home the bride approached the village doctor and told him that she hated her mother-in-law and wanted poison to kill her. The doctor listened to the story and finally agreed to the bride's request. He reached into his medicine bag and gave the young woman a handful of herbs guaranteed to cause the death of her mother-in-law. “There are two conditions, however, that you must observe in doing this,” he told her. “Anything” the young woman agreed.

“First,” the doctor said, “This is a very slow acting poison that you must put into your mother-in-law's food over a long period of time.” “A poison that work's quickly would cause both of us to fall under the suspicion of the authorities, so slowly administer this in a way that no one will ever know.” “And second?” the bride asked. “Secondly, from this moment forward you must treat your mother-in-law very respectfully, agreeing to her every wish, so that when the poison begins to work, no one will suspect you.”

Agreeing to both conditions, the bride rushed home and when preparing the next meal so sprinkled a little of the poison into the food, and then she took the meal to her waiting mother-in-law and served it in a friendly and respectful manner.

After a few days of such solicitous service, the mother-in-law began to think that her new daughter was actually a fine young woman and began to treat her with kindness. The young bride, now the recipient of a mother's care began to love the woman she'd once hated. After a few short months the two were fast friends and enjoyed each others company.

Dismayed, the bride returned to the village doctor and tearfully confessed to him that she'd come to love her mother-in-law and begged him for an antidote to the poison because she couldn't think of life without the kind old woman.

“I'm sorry,” the doctor shook his head sadly, “there is no antidote to what I've given you.” Now beside herself with sorrow and rage she began striking the doctor, accusing him of killing her beloved mother-in-law and that she was going to report them both the authorities and throw herself on their mercy.

With this the doctor began to laugh and when his laughter subsided, he wiped the tears away from his eyes and said, “Silly girl, I never gave you poison, only harmless herbs to mix in her food.” “But by following my instruction your prejudice and anger melted away and you and your mother-in-law are now fast friends and companions for life.”

So this is how the angry young bride came to be grateful for the gift of poison given her that day.

Thank you Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche for this story. May your three year retreat it the Himalayas be a blessing for you.

Forgiveness in Domestic Violence: A Muslim Perspective

Healing from Domestic Violence

People can heal and escape this vicious cycle of violence Forgiveness can play a significant role in the healing process.

 

Toward Forgiveness: For the Offender Seeking Forgiveness

In Hebrew the word salah means God's removing sin from the people. In Greek, the word aphiemi means "to leave off, release" (to release what blocks a relationship with God). In the Quran, the word "forgive" (a'fo) means God's pardon of one's wrongdoing, which requires recognition of one's mistake, repentance, and asking for forgiveness.

Becoming able to experience forgiveness, a healed conscience, and restored self-esteem are not the responsibility of the offended person, but the offender.
To experience forgiveness, one must:

 

Acknowledge

Acknowledge responsibility for doing wrong. Acknowledge wrongdoing to oneself, to others, and to God. Apologize with sincere remorse to the person(s) hurt.

 

Grieve

Show understanding and empathy for the pain caused.

 

Change

Change the behavior. Work to heal the emotional basis for the behavior.

 

Practice

Practice appropriate use of power. Make amends; provide restitution directly to the offended party, or symbolically to a related cause or group.

To be granted forgiveness before doing the hard work described above constitutes "cheap grace," and sabotages the healing process for the person who abuses. Only after completing the process will reconciliation with the offended be possible - if and when the offended indicates that he or she is ready.

 

Toward Forgiveness: For the Offended Letting Go

In the ancient language of major religions, the word "forgiveness" carried the connotation of releasing or letting go (of a debt, of bitterness, etc.). To prepare for forgiving (releasing the hold abuse has had on a person), one must:

 

Acknowledge

Acknowledge the situation as an unchangeable piece of the past. Remember. "Forgive and forget" is the formula for denial, which makes painful events more likely to happen again. Tell the story many times in many ways.

 

Grieve

Grieve, to discover and honor what was lost.

 

Change

Change, by giving oneself permission to:

• Feel, especially the anger and passion, respecting that anger can be useful on the path to justice
• Take one's time to heal
• Get support to explore the hurt and move on towards wholeness
• Honestly reflect on one's strengths, limitations, and needs

 

Practice

Practice appropriate use of power. Go beyond thinking/feeling and express oneself in action, even if symbolic. Provide restitution. If appropriate, confront the behavior and/or report it to authorities.

After this preparation, one may experience release from the fear and damage of the abusive relationship and be free to live life fully. Forgiveness is not exoneration; the offender must still be held accountable for his or her actions. Forgiveness does not require trusting the offender, whose behavior may not have changed.

"Reconcile" means "to settle, to make content." If the offender has completed his or her process toward receiving forgiveness, it may now be possible to reconcile with him or her. To rush reconciliation before both the offended and the offender have completed their inner work is cheap grace and dangerous! Reconciliation with God is the reconciliation necessary for healing.

SEMAH’s mission is the promotion of healthier relationships and prevention of domestic violence through education and awareness of options. We are a conduit for resources to help build bridges to safer communities especially those that are not well served. We have a special focus on the Muslim and inter-faith communities. http://www.semah.org/fivff/healing.html