Merry Christmas!

In a particular way the birth of Jesus in the Christian Tradition begins a cycle of a life lived with forgiveness as a primary optic.  In the Gospel Canticle of Morning Prayers the author anticipates the purpose of Jesus' life, "In the tender compassion of our God the dawn from on high shall break upon us, to shine on those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death, and to guide our feet into the way of peace."  Peace comes, as we are discovering more fully nowadays, when forgiveness is realized in our hearts and in our world.

May Christmas be a time of celebration for you and your family.  And even if you are not Christian, may these days of holiday celebration be ones where you discover afresh the gift of Forgiveness.

Holy Spirit by Hildegard of Bingen

In this Holiday Season I offer this poem of Hildegard's as a way to find the grace to forgive.


Holy Spirit,
Giving life to all life,
Moving all creatures,
Root of all things,
Washing them clean,
Wiping out their mistakes,
Healing their wounds,
You are our true life,
Luminous, wonderful,
Awakening the heart
From its ancient sleep

Translated by Stephen Mitchell

Kindness as an Aid to Forgiveness: A Poem by Naomi Shihab Nye

Kindness Before you know what kindness really is you must lose things, feel the future dissolve in a moment like salt in a weakened broth. What you held in your hand, what you counted and carefully saved, all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be between the regions of kindness. How you ride and ride thinking the bus will never stop, the passengers eating maize and chicken will stare out the window forever. Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road. You must see how this could be you, how he too was someone who journeyed through the night with plans and the simple breath that kept him alive. Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.  You must wake up with sorrow. You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows and you see the size of the cloth. Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say it is I you have been looking for, and then goes with you every where like a shadow or a friend.

Naomi Shihab Nye- The Words under the words: selected poems.

Forgiveness and the Freedom of Letting Go

9 Steps to Forgivness from the Stanford Forgiveness Project

Dr. Fred Luskin of the Standford Forgiveness Project has worked with thousands of people who have learned how to forgive.  Here is the program of forgiveness as articulated through 9 steps.  You can see the complete re-framing of your mindset that is asked of you.  Please use this to your good health!

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3.  Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”

4.  Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years – ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5.  At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.

6.  Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7.  Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8.  Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

9.  Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love.

Images of Forgiveness and a Tribute to Students Murdered at Virginia Tech

"Pathways of Grace" A Retreat with Dr. David James

Pathways of Grace

From Addiction into Freedom through Forgiveness

Saturday November 12th
9:00 a.m.-4:00 p.m.

The Spirituality Center at St. Placid's Priory

500 College St. NE

Lacey, WA 98516

360-438-2595



Studies have shown a link between trauma and addiction.  What we are just learning about is a link between forgiveness and freedom from the addictive process. 

In this daylong retreat we will examine our own life patterns of addiction, discover the wounded heart that lies behind them and learn experiential practices of forgiveness which can help us find freedom.

There will be times for quiet reflection and opportunities for group and individual sharing.

Register by prior Friday $20  Bring a sack lunch, a journal and a brave heart.

Dr. David James is an author, therapist, spiritual companion and animator of the Olympia Forgiveness Project. A former Episcopal priest, he served congregations in California and Washington. As a leader in the men's movement he has led retreats in the United States and Canada. He is the author two books and several articles in the field of spirituality and personal growth.

To register call 360-438-2595 or email "The Priory Spirituality Center" spiritualityctr@gmail.com

The Victims of Terrorism Who Do Not Seek Revenge

How is it possible to feel the humanity of a person who has systematically and brutally maimed or murdered innocent people for the sake of an ideology?

In 2005 I met Andrew Rice, whose brother was killed in the attack on the World Trade Center in 2001. Andrew said something which has resonated with me ever since. His experience of losing someone he loved deeply had made him come to the conclusion that, "those people crying loudest for retribution so often seem to be the least affected".

Certainly to imagine that punishment or payback rehabilitates the victim is a delusion but I hadn't quite realized to what extent those who have suffered most can be healed by reaching out towards the very thing that has hurt them. This is the essence of Restorative Justice.  In the past decade I've met many victims who have reacted in totally counter intuitive ways to trauma -- in other words rather than seeking revenge they have tried to build bridges of peace and reconciliation.

Of course sometimes those most affected by crime and violence stay locked in the trauma, where their justifiable rage towards the perpetrator may fester or freeze. But I believe a great many more have transformed trauma into a place of healing through reaching out to others and asking why?

Aqella Sherril’s 18-year-old son was murdered in 2004. No one was brought to justice and even though Aqeela knows the killer's identity, he has chosen not to seek revenge. He tells people that his son's killer is a victim too -- "a victim of a culture that lacks compassion." And he explains  "you can only kill someone if you have a callous heart, so I want to know why this young man had such a callous heart. It's not enough simply to catch him and throw him away".

Aqeela's attitude, like that of so many other bereaved parents I have met, comes not just from compassion,
but is an act of self-healing. As someone said to me the other day: "the place where an old hatred becomes a new love is the holiest place on earth." Or as Aqeela would say, "where the wounds are, the gift lies."

Many of these survivors of violence and terrorism share their stories on The Forgiveness Project website, as a way of countering the more strident calls for payback and retribution. While some say they do not feel comfortable using the word forgiveness because it's open to so many messy interpretations, I believe all would embrace the concept, if they knew of Ginn Fourie’s favorite definition which states that - "Forgiveness is the principled decision to give up your justifiable right to revenge."

Ginn -- whose 23-year-old daughter, Lyndi, was killed in the 1993 Heidelberg Tavern Massacre in Cape Town -- has since worked closely for reconciliation Letlapa Mphahlele with , the former Director of Operations of APLA  (Azanian Peoples Liberation Army) and the man who ordered the attack on the Heidelberg Tavern. It was on the day she first met Letlapa that forgiveness began to stir in her heart.  "In that moment", she says, "I saw remorse in his eyes and body language. It would have been so much easier if he'd been a monster with horns and a tail -- if there was something to hate."

This again was about reaching out and hearing the story from the other side, which did not take the pain away but gave meaning to it. As Ginn says about Letlapa, "I know his comrades' bullets killed my daughter and that terrible pain will always be with me. But I have forgiven this man who gave the command. I feel his humanity."

These victims of violence and terrorism recognize that the more you slam down something, the more people re-group and emerge in a stronger, more resilient way. There is an understanding that bombing civilians only grows resentment. And there is a real desire to break the cycle of violence.

It is often assumed that to explain is to excuse and to understand is to forgive. Certainly explanation should be used to put something in context, and never for justification or consolation, but why should understanding that a young man has grown angry through shame and poverty, or through insidious indoctrination, explain away or excuse an act of terrorism?

Usama Hasan, a former Islamist working as Senior Lecturer in business information systems at Middlesex University in London who now speaks out against Islamaic extremism, said at the Google Summit Against Violent Extremism  in June this year: "I would ask you to understand one thing, try to understand why people are driven to certain measures. In the case of Islamic terrorism, or Muslim Jihadists, most of them I know are not ill intentioned -- but become corrupted along the line. They are trying to answer real problems about what they perceive to be the suffering of their nation."

As Fyodor Dostoevsky so appropriately said: "Nothing is easier than to condemn the evil doer, nothing is harder than to understand him."

Marina Cantacuzino’s background is journalism and in 2003 –- in the lead up to the Iraq War -- she started collecting personal stories of atrocity and terrorism which drew a line under the dogma of vengeance. The stories formed a body of work in the celebrated F Word exhibition and led to Marina founding The Forgiveness Project, a UK based not-for-profit unaffiliated to any religious and political group. The Forgiveness Project explores forgiveness and reconciliation through individual real-life stories, and promotes alternatives to violence and revenge.  Her website is: http://www.theforgivenessproject.com/

The Gift of Poison: A Story from Traditional Sources

The Gift of Poison

A man and a woman in a small out-of-the way village marry and as was the custom of their people, they moved into his parents home. From the start the young bride and her mother-in-law clashed regularly...about everything. The mother-in-law thought the bride an disrespectful know-it-all who disdained the traditions of their elders, and the bride thought the mother-in-law was a cantankerous old hag who was trying to turn her son against her.

Finally fed up with the conflict in their home the bride approached the village doctor and told him that she hated her mother-in-law and wanted poison to kill her. The doctor listened to the story and finally agreed to the bride's request. He reached into his medicine bag and gave the young woman a handful of herbs guaranteed to cause the death of her mother-in-law. “There are two conditions, however, that you must observe in doing this,” he told her. “Anything” the young woman agreed.

“First,” the doctor said, “This is a very slow acting poison that you must put into your mother-in-law's food over a long period of time.” “A poison that work's quickly would cause both of us to fall under the suspicion of the authorities, so slowly administer this in a way that no one will ever know.” “And second?” the bride asked. “Secondly, from this moment forward you must treat your mother-in-law very respectfully, agreeing to her every wish, so that when the poison begins to work, no one will suspect you.”

Agreeing to both conditions, the bride rushed home and when preparing the next meal so sprinkled a little of the poison into the food, and then she took the meal to her waiting mother-in-law and served it in a friendly and respectful manner.

After a few days of such solicitous service, the mother-in-law began to think that her new daughter was actually a fine young woman and began to treat her with kindness. The young bride, now the recipient of a mother's care began to love the woman she'd once hated. After a few short months the two were fast friends and enjoyed each others company.

Dismayed, the bride returned to the village doctor and tearfully confessed to him that she'd come to love her mother-in-law and begged him for an antidote to the poison because she couldn't think of life without the kind old woman.

“I'm sorry,” the doctor shook his head sadly, “there is no antidote to what I've given you.” Now beside herself with sorrow and rage she began striking the doctor, accusing him of killing her beloved mother-in-law and that she was going to report them both the authorities and throw herself on their mercy.

With this the doctor began to laugh and when his laughter subsided, he wiped the tears away from his eyes and said, “Silly girl, I never gave you poison, only harmless herbs to mix in her food.” “But by following my instruction your prejudice and anger melted away and you and your mother-in-law are now fast friends and companions for life.”

So this is how the angry young bride came to be grateful for the gift of poison given her that day.

Thank you Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche for this story. May your three year retreat it the Himalayas be a blessing for you.

Forgiveness in Domestic Violence: A Muslim Perspective

Healing from Domestic Violence

People can heal and escape this vicious cycle of violence Forgiveness can play a significant role in the healing process.

 

Toward Forgiveness: For the Offender Seeking Forgiveness

In Hebrew the word salah means God's removing sin from the people. In Greek, the word aphiemi means "to leave off, release" (to release what blocks a relationship with God). In the Quran, the word "forgive" (a'fo) means God's pardon of one's wrongdoing, which requires recognition of one's mistake, repentance, and asking for forgiveness.

Becoming able to experience forgiveness, a healed conscience, and restored self-esteem are not the responsibility of the offended person, but the offender.
To experience forgiveness, one must:

 

Acknowledge

Acknowledge responsibility for doing wrong. Acknowledge wrongdoing to oneself, to others, and to God. Apologize with sincere remorse to the person(s) hurt.

 

Grieve

Show understanding and empathy for the pain caused.

 

Change

Change the behavior. Work to heal the emotional basis for the behavior.

 

Practice

Practice appropriate use of power. Make amends; provide restitution directly to the offended party, or symbolically to a related cause or group.

To be granted forgiveness before doing the hard work described above constitutes "cheap grace," and sabotages the healing process for the person who abuses. Only after completing the process will reconciliation with the offended be possible - if and when the offended indicates that he or she is ready.

 

Toward Forgiveness: For the Offended Letting Go

In the ancient language of major religions, the word "forgiveness" carried the connotation of releasing or letting go (of a debt, of bitterness, etc.). To prepare for forgiving (releasing the hold abuse has had on a person), one must:

 

Acknowledge

Acknowledge the situation as an unchangeable piece of the past. Remember. "Forgive and forget" is the formula for denial, which makes painful events more likely to happen again. Tell the story many times in many ways.

 

Grieve

Grieve, to discover and honor what was lost.

 

Change

Change, by giving oneself permission to:

• Feel, especially the anger and passion, respecting that anger can be useful on the path to justice
• Take one's time to heal
• Get support to explore the hurt and move on towards wholeness
• Honestly reflect on one's strengths, limitations, and needs

 

Practice

Practice appropriate use of power. Go beyond thinking/feeling and express oneself in action, even if symbolic. Provide restitution. If appropriate, confront the behavior and/or report it to authorities.

After this preparation, one may experience release from the fear and damage of the abusive relationship and be free to live life fully. Forgiveness is not exoneration; the offender must still be held accountable for his or her actions. Forgiveness does not require trusting the offender, whose behavior may not have changed.

"Reconcile" means "to settle, to make content." If the offender has completed his or her process toward receiving forgiveness, it may now be possible to reconcile with him or her. To rush reconciliation before both the offended and the offender have completed their inner work is cheap grace and dangerous! Reconciliation with God is the reconciliation necessary for healing.

SEMAH’s mission is the promotion of healthier relationships and prevention of domestic violence through education and awareness of options. We are a conduit for resources to help build bridges to safer communities especially those that are not well served. We have a special focus on the Muslim and inter-faith communities. http://www.semah.org/fivff/healing.html

Patrick Wanis: Casey Anthony and the Challenge of Forgiveness

The justice system is designed to prevent, punish and rehabilitate. But with Casey Anthony being acquitted of murdering her 2-year old daughter Caylee, many people are still full of rage and anger toward her, seeking revenge and claiming they want justice for what they continue to believe is her guilt.

But does the anger, revenge and bitterness help bring back Caylee? What positive purpose might it serve?

Does Casey Anthony’s case cry out for forgiveness, even if the court found her not guilty of murder?


When we feel injured we respond or react automatically with anger. When someone hurts us, we automatically want to hurt that person back.

Because of the constant media coverage the Anthony trial garnered, many people - particularly mothers and women - felt a personal connection to the case. Their original motivation for justice for Caylee has turned into a desire for revenge.

Anger is not always a negative emotion. When someone is being attacked, you need anger to push you to action to protect the victim. It was anger and frustration that led to revolution in Egypt and that is fueling other uprisings in the Arab world.

In fact, some people have used their anger to lead a petition for “Caylee’s Law,” which would make it a felony to wait more than 48 hours to report a missing child and a felony not to report the death of a child within two hours (though different versions have been proposed in different states).

Casey did not report her missing daughter for 30 days. Such laws may represent a positive use of anger.

But staying stuck in anger, bitterness, vindictiveness or a desire for revenge does not bring about positive results. As a human behavior expert and therapist, the most common denominator of the pain, mental and emotional affliction that I see people suffer is the lack of forgiveness - the anger and pursuit of revenge against mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle or self for something that someone did or didn’t do.

There are surely limits to forgiveness, some say. Is Casey Anthony beyond the limit?

The Story of Eva and Miriam Kor

It was the spring of 1944 when 10-year-old Eva Kor, her twin sister Miriam and her mother arrived in the concentration camp Auschwitz-Birkenau. Immediately, guards ripped both girls from their mother and they were never again to see her, their father or their older sisters.

Shortly thereafter, in a sick bay, a doctor told Eva “You have just two weeks to live.” The doctor was Josef Mengele. He had just injected her with a lethal cocktail of bacteria as part of a barbaric experiment with twins.

Eva had a strong immune system and survived but so, too, did the pain of her suffering. Her sister Miriam suffered an inexplicable disease from the injection of poison. Eva later tried to save her sister’s life by donating one of her own kidneys, but Miriam died in 1993.

In January 1995, at the celebration of the 50th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, Kor brought along a doctor who worked alongside Josef Mengele. Eva read a confession of guilt from the doctor who accompanied her and then shocked the world press by saying “In my own name, I forgive all Nazis.”

Eva says forgiveness led to her to inner peace and healing and she has made speeches about forgiveness across the United States in front of school groups and organizations. She teaches that forgiveness freed her from victim status.

“I felt as though an incredibly heavy weight of suffering had been lifted,” she has said. “I never thought I could be so strong… What the victims do does not change what happened. And the best thing about the remedy of forgiveness is that there are no side effects. And everybody can afford it.”

Eva is featured in the Forgiveness Project, an effort that “encourages and empowers people to explore the nature of forgiveness and alternatives to revenge.”

Most world religions promote forgiveness, an eventual end to demanding punishment or restitution. Love, forgiveness and compassion are primary teachings of Jesus.

"Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” Jesus said on the cross, asking God to forgive the people that were about to kill Him.

Although there are many reasons we hold onto a lack of forgiveness, the pain, anger, revenge and rage only hurt us. But forgiveness sets us free.

Even if Casey Anthony had been found guilty and were to be put to death, would that help Caylee or other living children? Would it truly free us in our hearts? Would our energy not be put to better use if we were to choose to help other children who are at this moment starving, homeless, at risk or in danger?

What if the thousands of angry people devoted that energy to helping mothers and children who have been abused or battered?

Look in your heart and ask yourself what effect the poison of anger and revenge have on you and your life.

We have all wronged and we are all imperfect. Of course, murder is not the same as the wrongs that most of us commit.

But if Jesus could ask God to forgive the people that were about to murder him and if a Holocaust survivor could forgive the people that poisoned her and tried to exterminate her family, then what holds you and I back from forgiving anyone? The next time you commit a wrongdoing, won’t you be saying “Please forgive me?”

Patrick Wanis, Ph.D. is a human behavior and relationship expert and therapist and author of “Finding God – Spiritual Strategies to Help YOU Find Happiness, Fulfillment and Inner Peace."

Fred Luskin Ph.D. on Forgiveness

Beautiful Reminders on the Essence of Forgiveness

My Favorite Forgiveness Process

My Favorite Forgiveness Process by Cat Saunders, Ph.D.
My Favorite Forgiveness Process derives from combining ideas from two of my most important mentors in regard to forgiveness, Sondra Ray and the late Morrnah Simeona. In the mid-'80s, I did extensive work with Sondra Ray, who is a longtime rebirther, teacher, author, and founder of the Loving Relationships Training. Sondra, in turn, introduced me to Morrnah Simeona, a Hawaiian kahuna, which means "keeper of the planet." Morrnah taught a forgiveness process called "Ho'oponopono," which is designed to cut and clear karmic ties. Together with her colleague, Dr. Stanley Haleakala Hew-Lin, Morrnah traveled all over the world, teaching Ho'oponopono to thousands of individuals and organizations, including the United Nations.

Although it's not right for me to teach the Ho'oponopono prayer, I would like to share a principle of healing which I learned from doing this prayer every day for many years. I call this principle the intention of two-way healing. That is, when I do Ho'oponopono, I affirm (in very specific ways, according to the prayer) that forgiveness is happening in both directions. For example, if I'm doing it in relation to my mother, I say it all the way through once in terms of me forgiving my mother, and then a second time in terms of her forgiving me. Obviously, this is a gross oversimplification of a long and eloquent prayer. Still, my hope here is to convey the importance of affirming my intention for healing to happen both ways.
 
Some people might object to my stating that my mother forgives me. After all, isn't she the only one who can do that? The truth is, I don't know the answer to that question, but I believe that something mystical happens when even one person in a relationship shows intention for healing to happen in both directions. I won't go into any lengthy metaphysical explanations for this belief. Instead, I'll simply encourage you to experiment with this idea in your own life.
 
In addition to this principle of two-way healing intention, which I learned from Morrnah, I learned another powerful forgiveness tool from Sondra Ray. Sondra said that there's a line in the Bible which says — roughly paraphrased — that if you really want to forgive, you must do it not just seven times but seventy times seven. Sondra said she thought about that, and decided to incorporate the seventy times seven idea into her use of affirmations. Although I don't personally use affirmations much anymore, this is one way of using them which I still find helpful.
 
For Sondra's seventy times seven process, she suggested writing the following sentence seventy times a day for seven days in a row. You fill in the first blank with your name, and the second blank with the name of the person, place, or thing you'd like to forgive: I,___________, forgive_____________for everything.
 
If you prefer, you can substitute a description of some incident which bothered you, instead of using the word "everything" at the end of the sentence. However, if you're going to write something seventy times a day for seven days, you may as well cover all the bases.
 
Putting Sondra's seventy times seven affirmations together with Morrnah's concept of two-way forgiveness brought me to this, the sentence I presently use for My Favorite Forgiveness Process: I forgive___________and___________forgives me.
 
You can add your name in at the beginning, as Sondra recommends, or do the abbreviated version, as shown above. I use the shorter version for simplicity's sake, so I can fit the sentence on one line. You can save the pages until the end of the week and then recycle or burn them, or you can recycle or burn the pages each day. If you do burn your writing, please take every safety precaution possible. Either way, don't save your pages of forgiveness work. The point is to let go!
 
It's essential that this forgiveness process be done for seven days in a row, without skipping a day. If you skip a day, the deal is that you must start over. This isn't meant to be punitive. Rather, the whole idea of doing something seventy times a day for seven days is to keep your focus clear and your follow-through strong. If you space out — and we all do sometimes — don't beat yourself up about it. Just start again. The times I've forgotten a day and needed to begin again, I figured it was important that I spend more time on the particular person or thing I was forgiving. Forgiveness isn't a race, after all.
 
Another important tip about doing this process is to remember that the affirmations must be written by hand. No typewriters, computers, or dictaphones! Something very different happens when you write by hand, as opposed to working on a machine. I'm not enough of a scientist to explain it, but I know from experience that it's true. Besides, writing by hand takes more time, so you'll have a bigger space for thoughts and feelings to arise. If you want to heal, you have to feel. And feelings take time. Sure, there are shortcuts. There are also lobotomies! I don't recommend either one. It's worth it to do the work and go the distance.
 
By the way, you don't have to feel forgiving of your chosen subject in order to affirm your intention that forgiveness happen. It's okay to simply notice where you feel unfinished business in any of your relationships, and show your intention for healing. Obviously, it will still be necessary for you to work with your feelings and behavior in regard to the people or issues involved.
 
Writing a bunch of sentences is not a substitute for the deep-level emotional work which must take place in order to allow forgiveness to become embedded in your cells. As a colleague of mine once said, "Forgiveness is the natural result of feeling all your feelings." Hopefully, as you work with My Favorite Forgiveness Process, your unfinished feelings will be stimulated by your focused intention. If you're anything like me, it will more likely be a matter of having all your feelings in your face. So much the better. Nothing like a little intensity to strengthen your resolve!
 
When you're doing a seventy times seven week, pay attention to the rest of your life. Do you notice any synchronicities happening which might be related to your work? Do you feel any different? Do you act differently? Do you feel out of sorts, more peaceful, or both at different times? What kind of feelings are coming up for you? Anger? Grief? Fear? Joy? Do you feel more accepting — or conversely, less tolerant? Both can be signs that it's working.
 
Do you notice anything unusual occurring in your dreams? Do you feel more tired than usual, or more energized? Again, both can be signs that it's working. Are you experiencing any difference in your attitude toward the person or thing you're forgiving? It's fine if you don't notice anything related to any of these questions. Assume that you're planting seeds by doing the work, and let it go at that. Maybe later, you'll discover the fruits of your labors when you're least expecting it
 
Sondra said that whenever she did her forgiveness process, she would get more flowers than at any other time. This intrigued me (I like flowers), so I decided to test it, without telling anyone in advance about my experiment. The same thing happened for me. It happened again and again, whenever I did a week of seventy times seven. Amazing! One time I was on a roll, and I decided to do My Favorite Forgiveness Process for as long as I wanted, choosing a different subject each week. I didn't stop for seventeen weeks! I started with "everyone" and ended with "everything." In between, I worked with forgiving my body, womanhood, food, family, men, God (that was scary!), Cat, pain, sex, money, and a number of other things. It was very liberating.
 
And you wouldn't believe how many flowers I got!
 
My partner, John, has brought me flowers nearly every week since we got together in 1987, so it wasn't really fair to count his gifts, though I'm constantly touched by his generosity. During the four-plus months I did the process, however, all kinds of other people brought me bouquets. Clients brought flowers "for no reason." Friends showed up with flowers. People I'd just met left flowers on my porch. It was quite impressive. The only week I didn't get any flowers was the week I was forgiving Cat. When it was over, I realized I was supposed to give myself flowers. So I went out right away and bought myself a stem of one my favorites, Stargazer lillies.
 
During that particular marathon with My Favorite Forgiveness Process, I figure I wrote the word "forgive" 16,660 times — twice in each sentence, seventy times a day (2 x 70 = 140), for seven days in a row (140 x 7 = 980), for seventeen weeks (980 x 17 = 16,660). That's a lot of focus on forgiveness! Needless to say, it was also a very rich time, psychologically and soulfully. There were plenty of butt-kicking lessons to show me where I was stuck, and equally plentiful gifts of healing and grace.
 
I don't believe it's fair — or even accurate — to say that anyone must forgive in order to heal.
 
How can anyone judge another person's path of healing? For all I know, maybe someone needs to learn how to hold a grudge for an entire lifetime. Who can say? Still, I acknowledge the power of forgiveness in my own life.
 
For me, forgiveness is not necessarily about forgiving an act, it's about forgiving another human being. For me, forgiveness brings a softening, a yielding to a larger perspective, an accepting of my commonality with everyone and everything that exists. Forgiveness deepens my humility.
 
Ultimately, I believe that I am simply one cell in the body of humanity. This means that at some level I am capable of — and perhaps even liable for — every possible human act, no matter how devious or dark. This also means that when I forgive others, I forgive myself, and vice versa. Taking responsibility for my shadow may be difficult, but it's a necessary step toward forgiveness.
 
Whatever your perspective on this loaded subject, I hope My Favorite Forgiveness Process can help you explore yourself in a way that brings you more wholeness. If so, your work will benefit not only you, but everyone.


And by the way, enjoy your flowers!
Cat Saunders, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist in private practice and the author of Dr. Cat's Helping Handbook, available at bookstores or <http://www.drcat.org/>.

A Buddhist Practice of Forgiveness

Please sit in a way that is comfortable to you.

Whether sitting with legs crossed or in a chair, please sit up straight.

Either close your eyes or have them slightly open and focused on the floor in front of you.

Please begin to pay attention to the breath....whether at the tip of the nose, the rising and falling of the chest or the expansion and release of the abdomen; become aware of the breath as you in inhale and then as you exhale.

Just sit comfortably being attentive to breath for a few moments.

Then introduce the following gently:

“There are those people who, through my pain or confusion I have harmed.

Allow a few moments for those people to be revealed to you

and to feel the pain that you have caused.

If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly I ask their forgiveness please forgive me...please forgive me.”

Now we introduce the following, gently:

“There are times when, through my pain or confusion that I have hurt myself.

Allow a few moments to become aware of how your hurt yourself

and feel the pain that you have caused yourself.

For all the ways that I harm, negate, doubt, belittle or judge myself, I forgive myself.”

Then introduce the following gently:

There are those people who, through their pain and confusion have harmed me.

Allow a few moments for those people who have hurt you to be revealed

and feel the pain that they have caused.

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly I forgive them.”

Then introduce the following gently...

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive I forgive myself for that.”

Now recall a time when you felt loved unconditionally and rest in its goodness.

If you can't remember such an experience then just imagine receiving unconditional love. It works just as well. Rest with this feeling for a few minutes....

Next say these words in your mind...

May I be happy

May I be well

May I be at peace

Next place your attention in the center of your chest -around your heart. Rest there for a few minutes.

Next think of someone you love. Someone very close to you. Then say to yourself...

May he/she be happy
May he/she be well
May he/she be at peace

Next picture someone you feel neutral about.

May he/she be happy
May he/she be well
May he she be at peace

Now someone you dislike. But not too much!

May he/she be happy
May he/she be well
May he/she be at peace

To every living being everywhere

May they be happy
May they be well
May they be at peace

Now just sit and be still for a few minutes. Rest in any feelings of loving-kindness that you feel.

Then just allow yourself to feel little gratitude. No need to force it.

Allow that feeling of gratitude to expand...... to slowly fill up your whole body, the whole room, your town your city, your country, the world, the universe.

Now gently return to full waking consciousness and give thanks for this time of prayer and meditation.

Seven Pillars of Forgiveness Teleconferences of the Feminiza Project

The Seven Pillars of Forgiveness

A Monthly Teleconference

Forgiveness can cause a great allowance of new, it can be a release from the bonds of the past, whether we forgive ourselves or forgive others.  This Teleconference is an forum in which to explore the quality of forgiveness individually and collectively within the theatre of our daily lives.

During the course of each monthly call, we aim to open up one of the pillars to discover how Understanding, Freedom, Remedy, Warmth, Enhancement, Hope and Continuance and the unique insights that each of these pathways offers, to assist any human life to the place where forgiveness lives.

You are invited to join us for these introductory teleconferences across North America to open and explore The Seven Pillars of Forgiveness. 

Cost:        No charge
Who:        Open to both ladies and gentlemen of consenting age
When:     The first Wednesday of August 2010 – February 2011
                 6pm PST and 9pm EST for 1 hour 15 minutes
How:        To participate please email us at: info.fna@feminenza.org

Pillar 1 – UNDERSTANDING
‘Without understanding the nature and ways of our common humanity, forgiveness, has no soil in which to grow.’
Wednesday, August 4, 2010

 Pillar 2 – FREEDOM
‘Without responsibility, freedom is an illusion and forgiveness becomes an empty act.’
Wednesday, September 1, 2010

 Pillar 3 – REMEDY
‘Without remedy and rebalance brought by forgiveness, how can life ever be cleansed from the repetitive re-enactment of yesterday’s wounds?’
Wednesday, October 6, 2010

 Pillar 4 – WARMTH
‘Without trial and error we could not learn, and the warmth of forgiveness makes way for us to try again.’
Wednesday, November 3, 2010

 Pillar 5 – ENHANCEMENT
‘Forgiveness teaches us to stand against the wrongful act or offence, not the human life that has committed it, else we deny another their future opportunity.’
Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Pillar 6 – HOPE
‘We each have in us the ability to hold the best of another in trust in the sanctuary of ourselves.’
Wednesday, January 5, 2011

 Pillar 7 – CONTINUANCE
‘In the exercise of forgiveness is the longing for the establishment of what ought to be, and the love of this as an inner devotion is connected to the love of life continuing.’
Wednesday, February 2, 2011

http://feminenza.org/?p=1166 

Tyler Perry talks about forgiveness

Sue Solis life is changed when she learns to forgive the man who tried to kill her.

As a young mother, she survived a gun shot wound to the abdomen by a hired hitman. 12 years after that traumatic event, she was called at random by the shooter who left a phone message from prison. His one request? To see and meet her. Sue waited two months after his call and met him. There, both of them came to grips with the event that had so affected their lives.

Ding-dong. The doorbell rang and resounded through the house. Sue Solis walked through her home in San Leandro and opened the door. "Are you Susan?", the man asked casually. "Yes", she replied. Without pausing he replied. "Well, I do yard work, and do you need someone to do your yard?". Surprised at the question that seemed to already know the answer, Susan said "Why yes, I actually do." Little would she know that this simple conversation would change her life forever.

Sue Solis lived the life of a mother and everyday American. She would hardly seem to be the person that would suffer an attack from a stranger. However on that March day in 1986, she would come to grips with a reality that would rock her world. As she was showing the presumed 'yard worker' around her property, the man pulled a gun on her, pointing it lethally at the back of her head. Unaware of what was happening, Sue continued to show him around, until the sound of her 7-year old son's voice reached her ears. At this, the gunman lowered his weapon, keeping it hidden from view. He then requested the use of her phone. She complied and showed him inside.

She waited a respectful distance away from the man in order to give him some privacy while using the phone. As she looked down at some bills and waited for him, she failed to notice the deadly .380 automatic gun that had reappeared, pointing right at her. In a moment, she fell to the floor with a bullet wound that went completely through her abdomen. She looked up to see the man struggling with the now jammed gun. She made a break for the door, beating him to it, and stumbled outside.

As she stumbled outside she found a fellow neighbor, a former helicopter pilot in Vietnam, who grabbed her and put her in his truck and sped off to the hospital. After 4-5 hours worth of surgery, Sue Solis survived the shooting and spent the next several weeks recovering.

This, however, is only part of the story.

12 years later, Sue finds herself listening to a voicemail on her message machine. It is her attempted killer, apologizing for what he did and requesting for one thing - to come and see him in prison.

It took her two months to accept his request.

When she finally did meet him, it was no easy task. Both of them cried openly for an hour and talked about how the incident had changed their lives. The shooter, spending 12 years in prison for the crime and Sue, who spent a good part of the 12 years working through the healing process - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Sue then did what most people would consider unthinkable - she forgave him of his crime. According to her interview with Larry King, she states that forgiveness "releases you. Forgiveness is an act of self-love. It's hard to understand, but it's really true."

This story of this amazing woman and her full grasp of what it means to forgive was fully realized when both Sue and her shooter came face to face with one another and brought closure to the event. Through the power of forgiveness, Sue is able to let go of resentment and hatred and live a more full and healthy life.

From the Give Forgivess Project: http://www.giveforgiveness.com/read/2008/06/sue-solis.php

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.

Katherine Piderman, Ph.D.

Staff Chaplain, The Mayo Clinic

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother criticized your parenting skills or your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even vengeance — but if you don't practice forgiveness, you may be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy.

Here, Katherine Piderman, Ph.D., staff chaplain at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., discusses forgiveness and how it can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness makes way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain
• Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you may become angry, sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility may take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you may find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you're unforgiving, you may pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life may become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You may become depressed or anxious. You may feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You may lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. A way to begin is by recognizing the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time. Then reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being. When you're ready, actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you. Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life. As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You may even find compassion and understanding.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be challenging. It may be particularly hard to forgive someone who doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of his or her sorrow. If you find yourself stuck, it may help to write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. You may want to talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an unbiased family member or friend. You may also want to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you. Keep in mind that forgiveness has the potential to increase your sense of integrity, peace and overall well-being.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however. Reconciliation may be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation may not be appropriate, especially if you were attacked or assaulted. But even in those cases, forgiveness is still possible — even if reconciliation isn't.

What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don't want to?

If you haven't reached a state of forgiveness, being near the person who hurt you may be tense and stressful. To handle these situations, remember that you have a choice whether or not to attend specific functions and gatherings. Respect yourself and do what seems best. If you choose to attend, don't be surprised by a certain amount of awkwardness and perhaps even more intense feelings. Do your best to keep an open heart and mind. You may find that the gathering helps you to move forward with forgiveness.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you more peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness takes away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.

This article was originally published on the Mayo Clinic Website : http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131